been around the world and i've been playa hated

First, listen to this, don't watch the video though just listen. Then, read on.

Did you do it? I'll understand if you couldn't get through the whole thing, but I really think you should in order to understand why I think that this is the worst song I have ever heard, and why pop music is just not the same as it was when I was still listening to it.

The other day, as I was parking yet another rental car, who's renters had the radio tuned to the always inane KUBE 93.3, that very song came on. It was a slow day and I decided to take my time parking the vehicle. The very first thing that I noticed about the track, was that the "rapper" who was "rapping" uses a style of cadence and lyrical flow that many of us will find immediately recognizable. He sounds white, moreover, he sounds like Eminem. Or at least he's trying to, which is probably worse. My point here is that the rapping is bad, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. The rhyming is simple, the hook is stilted, and the construction is obvious, but more on that soon enough.

This song is called "Handlebars" by the Flobots (which is actually not a bad name for a group, but it would only be good if said band had some talent) but if I were to have been the namer of songs on this album, perhaps I would have called it "Training Wheels", because that's what these guys need. Obvious joke or clever observation? You decide.

The first two stanzas have the "rapping dude" not only mentioning that he is a "famous rapper" but that he is also proud to be "an American". Fuck yeah. So when I was sitting in this guests car and I heard this first part I initially thought that this song was a parody, or perhaps sytyrical in some way and even when they reached the first chorus I was still pretty convinced. But then the second third happend...

...and suddenly we have a half-assed politicol discourse, on consumerism, government, and (of all things) slpitting atoms. Leave it to people like these, to educate the future of America on nuclear physics.

Still, I shouldn't be pissed about all this. I was the same way when I was the age of the kids who are getting "psyched" about this type of music. I thought that such top 40 artists such as Rage Against the Machine, Green Day, and Sublime had my best interests in mind. And sure as shit they did, maybe not the bands themselves, but their lable people did, and targeted their music right at me.

Maybe, thats why this song sounds like it has no soul, or anger, hence why the band (or producer) felt the need to add the grungy guitars, weepy frenchorns, and plodding beat. This tracks incoherence is it's ultimate downfall. Played on the radio, and listened to a few times, I can see why this is a popular song. But comparably, to others like it, "Handlebars" falls short due to it's obvious panderance to a market that is so saturated with this bullshit, that maybe the kids who are listening to this stuff feel hopless enough that they will keep buying it, because as long as there are teenagers there will be angsty teen music. Scientists have been searching for a "Perpetual Motion Machine" for years, maybe they should look at their spawn.

So why do I think that this is the worst song I have ever heard? Well, it's simple: How the fuck is that track not a Weird Al Yankovic song? It might be because this shit has been going on for the better part of two decades, and is a proven winning format for a song. Or maybe I am just a jaded mid-twenties dick, with hipster tendencies, living in Seattle, and listening to semi-obscure bands that very few people can relate with. Or maybe I am only a dick.

Question: What's the worst song you have ever heard internet?

tell those dalmatangs, that i like mine mankattan style

I am heeding your call internet, I'm back. Where I have I been? Well, first I was in the ICU, then I I had about 4 weeks of rehabilitation. Why? Well, I lost both of my hands in a horrible sewing accident (I should have paid more attention in Home Ec. huh?) But I'm back now, thanks to Microsoft Sync™ the voice recognition software, and aside from the Phantom Limb Syndrome I am doing alright. The doctors told me to take it easy with the blarging though, so I am going to make my return by hitting you with....wait for it......a BAROQUE BLOG!

So I am going to mix this one up by adding a new segment I'm going to call, "Elliot Thinks You Should Go To Hell, Seriously Guy, Just Do It, Seriously." or ETYSGTHSGJDS. This is going to be an obvious one but here goes anyway. Hey! Excuse me....EXCUSE ME! Yeah you, loud cell phone talker! I think you should go to hell, seriously guy, just do it, seriously.

That last segment needs some improvement, but I will work on it, I promise. Ah yes, one of my favorite topics, women's fashion. Unfortunately I don't have much to write about here. I really haven't seen any new trends yet this season. Women here are still wearing basically the same shit they've been wearing for the last 6 months. Layers, goofy hats, rain boots, the same Burbury scarf that everyone and their bag of chips owns. Boring! I could blame the sun, but perhaps we've reached the apex of women's fashion here in this city. I'll give it another month before close the file on this one. In the mean time, let me extol the virtues of Paul Frank underwear to all of you, all while telling you that I am currently rocking said underwear. Hot? Fuck yeah that is. Holy shit are these some good underwears. Underwear have always been a point of contention with me when it comes to choosing clothing. I am skinny, very skinny, and I lack buttocks. Most people don't design underwear for me, but Paul Frank, goddamn did he ever! I kind of wish I could walk around in just these, but the site of my hairy sunken chested facade and chicken legs, might overpower the beauty of these underwear, with their screen print of an amp. Buy some, they will fit like magic. Assuming magic has a fit, and I'm confident that it does, because again, I'm wearing it/them.

In music news. Destroyers latest is a major disappointment, but only to me apparently because the critics can't shut up about it. From our local mag The Stranger to Details people won't stop saying that this is by far his best, which is so untrue. But I am going to stay away from becoming a raving fanboy and say that while there are some really good tracks on there, it is not his best. But this has kind of been par for the course this year with new album releases. DevotchKa's latest, is not that good. She & Him, an M. Ward side project featuring my other girlfriend (sorry Buckaroo, a guy's gotta dream) Zooey Deschanel, has alot of "she" but not enough "him", which is a shame because their vocal pairing seems like it would be a silver bullet. Headlights on the other hand, fucking perfect, and if you are a fan of dream pop, silky harmonies, and synth, then you should pick them up. It's a creeper for sure, but I guarantee you'll be humming their songs when not thinking after 3 full listens. But if I had to suggest one album you should get right now, then it would have to be Thao and The Get Down, Stay Down's We Brave Bee Stings and All. It's brilliant, inventive, and there isn't a single throwaway track on there.

I will say only three things about videogames here.

1: Fuck Mr. Proper, and fuck Wii tennis.
2: Ninja Gaiden for the DS is very satisfying.
3: I can't wait for Starwars: The Force Unleashed. I get at least a half stock every time I see a new video for this game, which is weird and confusing.

As most of you will be hearing today, Charlton Heston is fucking dead. This will actually come as no surprise to you though because I was pretty sure he was dead a long time ago. He was as old as Moses, a character he played at one point, who in the bible, apparently live for like 600 years. I could be mixing Moses up with someone else, but I am too lazy to do the research. I can't say much about this guy, I've seen three of his movies. I always thought he was a bit of an over-actor even for his time, when everyone was an over-actor. But maybe I'm a just a cynical dick, who knows. I guess what I would be more interested in is, if there is a heaven, and Moses is actually up there, then he has been waiting a long time to say this:

Moses: Bro, you look nothing like me!
CH: Oh my god! Is this terrorist heaven?!

You'll get that joke about half way through tomorrow. Anyway, tune in next week because I am (finally) changing the BPAABP guy! That's right the logo is changing, would like to be the new silhouette? Well then send me a picture of you with a backpack and a bus pass, or just a back pack and a bus pass, or just something cool to silhouette. Fun! So just send it to me at backpackandabuspass@gmail.com subject:silhouette.

I'll leave you with this idiot. Enjoy!

the wheels fell off that bus long ago.

Fuck Safeway. Oh man, fuck Safeway.

I am getting ahead of myself a little, allow me to preface. You see recently here in Ballard, due to urban development, my very local QFC closed down for renovations. Not just any renovations however we are talking a brand new store...with apartments or condos on top. So they ripped this place down, which at first wasn't a huge deal until I remembered why I started going to QFC in the first place. Sure, it was all of 2 blocks away, but even before I moved in with Voltron, I was a strict QFC shopper. The reasons are numerous as to why I chose QFC as my grocery of choice. Chief amongst the reasons are pre-seasoned meats. "Dude, you can season your own meats pretty easily." I hear you saying, and I'll avoid the obvious joke I could make about "seasoning my own meats" but I will say this my little internet; you haven't lived until you've had their "cajun rub" chicken. Easy and delicious, but I suppose one of the biggest bummers about them deciding to bring this QFC into the 21st century is the loss of the most infamous check-out girl, Jane.

Cold, indifferent, attractive, and way out of my league. Jane inspired not only a story, but a screenplay. But this story is for another blarg entirely, perhaps even coming to a YouTube near you...that is if I get motivated.

So Safeway, yeah fuck that place, not only does it not have cute checkers or pre-seasoned meats, it has the exact opposite of those two things. Inept anti-hot checkers, meats that are sans seasoning, and the dumbest isle set up known to the modern world. Not to mention I've heard the franchise is owned by the Morm's, but I've never been able to substantiate that claim. The other day though, I was reminded why I stopped shopping there years ago.

Work ended and I hopped on my beloved #15 bus home. At eleven at night this bus is the absolute height of efficiency, it behaves like an express route, but it isn't packed and you never have to ride it with drunk homeless people going from nowhere to nowhere because the free ride zone ends at 7pm. Anyway, I leave 1st and Seneca at around 11:15pm and get to 15th and Market at about 11:30pm, again a very quick trip. The bus stop that I get off at is right in front of a Safeway parking lot, and the store itself is about six (city)blocks from my house. I decide to go into the store because I would like to reward myself for parking cars with a cold 22oz. of Heineken and maybe some deodorant because like my liver, my armpits need lovin' too.

Now, I've been to a lot of grocery stores late at night sober and drunk, mostly drunk though on a Friday or Saturday night. They usually have a larger staff on those nights to keep the drunks from stealing food, and to keep the teenagers from taking 'whipits' or from stealing cigarettes. Well, this was a Wednesday at Safeway, so the "enforcers" weren't there. I grabbed my shit, making a perfect arc from the entrance to the only open checkout stand as I did. As I approached the stand I noticed that the guy in front of me had a cart full of groceries, and I thought to myself "Just subtly make him aware that you have only two items, and he will kindly let you go ahead of him." This is what any self respecting citizen of the human race would have done, instead this fuck face looked at me, loaded his considerable amount of shit on to that little conveyor belt and much to my obvious chagrin, ignored me.

It was only after I heard him speak, that I realized why he had done this. He was French, they are notoriously rude, and that isn't heresy, they are. Okay, so Frenchie didn't let me go ahead of him, but he had a lot of easily scannable items so I figured 'what's another 5 minutes?' I would be home hanging with you in no time. Wow! I mean WOW! Was I wrong.

All of his items scanned perfectly, save one bottle of wine. As I am sure you are aware of internet, this happens a lot. Items not scanning correctly, most likely due to a damaged bar code. In the case of this particular product, it hadn't been entered into the "computer" thereby making it a non-existent item, even though it was right in front of our growingly annoyed faces, because by this point the line that formed behind me and Frenchie, had increased by about 6 four of whom had carts full of goods. Still, this a-hole persisted with this one bottle of wine he needed so bad, but was completely non-chalant about it. The checker lady calls over her manager and asks her to go find the price of the bottle, so the manager grabs it and walks away.

This wouldn't have been a big deal, if the guy had had only one bottle of wine, however, dick breath had between 10 and 15 different bottles of wine in his cart, but still didn't ask them not to go and find the price, he just let them go. The line kept getting bigger, and by this time you could actually feel the rage emanating from the group of people behind me, it was hot and negative. The manager returns after about 5 minutes still holding the bottle and asks Frenchie where he found it, he says that he found it in the wine section in a stupidly vague way, and everyone pauses waiting for him to say, "Le fuck it, I do not need zat bottle." the manager lady even gives him an opportunity by saying "I guess I can go give it another look." But his indifference wins out and she again walks away.

Another five minutes pass, and by this time I have memorized every headline on every trashy magazine, and even some the ingredients in Orbits gum. The manager returns with a little price tag hands it to the cashier who tries to scan it, of course it won't scan because as we had figured out earlier the fucking thing isn't in the fucking computer. People are audibly deep sighing at this point, so the manager gives the checker her permission to charge the guy 15 bucks for the bottle just we can get out of this nightmare. Last item procured Frenchie hands her some cash, grabs his bags and exits the store, no apology to the now 12 deep line that had formed behind as the people dealt with his wine shenanigans. Checker lady finally scans my shit and I exit the store. What should have been a 4 minute dalliance in an otherwise uncrowded store, turned into a 15 minute ordeal, and a subsequent blog.

There are many ways this could have been avoided but I'll just focus on the one's that I think matter. First, buddy could have just told them that he didn't need the wine. Second, the checkout people could have just told him that they couldn't sell it to him, from his demeanor he probably wouldn't have cared. Third, they could have opened up another line, while the manager ran around I saw several other employees milling about the store. You would think that with the closing of the QFC they would want to beef their shit up, knowing that they are going to have a large influx of people going to their store now, but no.

It's another classic example of a corporation refusing to change and adapt. While QFC has made leaps and bounds in the grocery shopping experience, from self-checkout stands, to only hiring smart young people and putting them in the place where pays to be fast and personable, up front. Now that is just my general observation, but every Safeway I have been to over the last ten years seem to employ a good handful of truly inept people, in some cases there are actual mentally challenged people running the registers, just go to the Safeway on 50th and Boston and try and get through a line in under 10 minutes, I dare you.

So that was the very last experience I will ever have at Safeway, I am now officially going completely out of my way just to get groceries these days. Instead of walking, I am now taking a bus to get my prized Lenders' bagels, at a QFC, that Jane was apparently transferred to. If anyone from Safeway happens to be reading this, know that my middle finger is forever extended in honor of your shitastic customer service, crappy stores, and seasonless meats.