wanderlust pt. 1

Internets! Holy crap, I missed you so much! Sorry, I've been on vacation. What been going on? They gave up the search for those miners?! Get out. Lindsey's still in rehab? Wow, I mean wow. Mit Romney for President? Yeah, I could see that happening. Me? Well, I was in New York for a few days, and then I went on a cruise. To where? Bermuda of course, where else would I go? How was it you ask? Ummmm.....let me start with New York.


New York was intoxicating. Definitely the biggest city I've ever been in. Shen Zhen was huge and different, Barcelona as well although it was not much bigger than Seattle. But New York! I mean, I've seen it in movies, TV, and pictures, but to actually be there was something else. It was not at all like I had imagined it. It was something different, exciting, gritty. Full of assholes, just like me, and the hipsters! Oh sweet crunkington, the fuckn' hipsters! They put those kids at Linda's to shame. The sweet confusion that I felt while wandering was something that I haven't felt in a long time. Granted, I spent a lot of my time in tourist areas, and only got but a small taste of what the city must really be like. I went to Broadway; where I saw the awesome Avenue Q, and 'Little Italy' where I spent my time getting ripped off by eastern Europeans, claiming to be Romans or Chinese. Soho, where my brother and I were treated like complete outsiders at a restaurant and ultimately ignored. We went to the Museum of Modern Art, which was fantastic, and my sister and I went to the American Museum of Natural History, or whatever and solely to see the exhibit shown in the last scene of "The Squid and the Whale". The rest of that museum turned about to be really cool.

In the end, New York was a place I eventually could find myself living in and also a place I want to avoid. In other words; just like Seattle you must find the places that you are most comfortable with and stay there until you are comfortable, then you can move on.

So that portion of my "vacation" ended after 4 short stressful days and we found ourselves meeting up with the other 13 members of my extended family for a 7 day cruise to the isle's of Bermuda. To all of my twenty-something readers/friends heed my advice. DO NOT GO ON A CRUISE IF YOU CAN FLY TO YOUR DESTINATION. Flying is cheaper, faster, and for the most part, you don't have to worry about getting giardia. Which 40 people on my ship contracted, consequently turning the ships staff into a bunch of "hygiene Nazi's". More on that later.

The vessel we were on was called the Norwegian Crown, and was constructed sometime in the late 1980's, and holy shit if it's interior didn't reflect the 80's coke induced aesthetics. Gold and mirrors everywhere, I hate referencing this piece of shit movie but it will give you an idea of what it was like. Imagine Tony Montana's mansion in "Scarface" and you have a pretty good picture. The music that they played everywhere didn't help dispel the eightysness of it all either. It was like the top 40 from '85-'93, but not the real top 40, but some bizarro world top 40 where all the good hits from that decade were replaced by the "Electric Slide" and "Macarena". I shit you not, I heard those two songs several times during our fantastic voyage. I could tell you so much about the food, which was "free"(for a reason) and the on-board entertainment which was also free, but I wish we could have paid for them not to be on the ship, because I would have given up a year's worth of my salary to get back the hour of my life that Adam Ace, the Crazy Comedian, embarrassingly wasted. I could devote an entire post to that poor bastard and his "act" alone. But I won't, because the best part about this cruise were all the people on it, oh and the pink sandy beaches of Bermuda. Totally beautiful, when I marry a rich woman that's where we are going to have our summer home, right next to Catherine Zeta Jones and that old dude she's married to, his name escapes me at the moment though ummm....Catcher's Mitt perhaps? Seriously though, how the fuck did that guy do it?

I have spent years making fun of people with mid-western and southern accents for years. It hasn't just been me though, but our country as whole, where in fact we should be jibing on people from the north east! Comparably, the people in the mid-west have nothing on people from Staten island. From now on when people I hear use the phrase "the dregs of society" I will think of people who were born and raised in New Jersey. The majority of the people on this cruise were from Staten island, Long island, and Newark. It took awhile for me to get over their accents but once I had done that, I was absolutely dumb-founded by their lack of imagination and wit. I realize that sounds very elitist of me, and it is, but these were some of the most tacky and clueless people I have ever had the displeasure of being around. I realized early on that there was no escape, and accepted my fate, thereby allowing me some very good people watching time, I combined this time with many brief conversations that I had with people on my ship and came to these conclusions:

Average Cruising Age: 14-19 and 40-75
Average Weight: Fat
Average idea of a 'good' vacation: Cruise
Average choice of an 'imported' beer: Bud-Light
Average clothing choice even when indoors at public eating areas: back hair or tracksuit

I spoke with one enlightened woman of about 70, who said that this was her 7th(!) cruise, and that every time she finished one she swore she would never do it again. When I asked her why she had embarked on yet another one of these horrible things she said "In the end it makes me happy to see all of these young people have such a good time." Indeed, there were a lot of young people having a good time on this cruise. To be more precise, there was probably a larger teen aged contingent than any other age group aboard, and yes they were definitely having fun. Before entering my room one night I saw a small group huddling around a Nalgene bottle conversing. I paused at my door for a moment, and this is what I overheard:

Teen 1: How much did you put in there?
Teen 2: Well, I filled half with Coke and the other half with vodka!
Teen 3: That's 50%! Skelkin!
Creepy Skinny Guy Fumbling With Key To Lock: Pussies...what the fuck does 'skelkin' mean anyway? What the eff happened to 'rad'?
Teen 1,2,and 3: Get jam-howed, you fram-prizk!
CSGFWKTL: Word.

...and then all hell broke loose, and I started punching teenagers in their acne covered faces. Wacky. No, that really didn't happen, but you can find out what happened next week in part two. I am making this a two parter because this has turned into a really long post and my internets are getting weak. So tune into my final point and analysis. Thanks for reading.

Who loves you?

(...the...)

I called my friend Dantron the other night to wish him a happy 24th. After talking for a little while he mentioned this blarg, and how he has been reading it. I can't say how much it pleases me when I hear one of my friends, who I don't think read this retarded thing ever, do in fact read...it. He had a few qualms with the new format however. For one he is hardly ever mentioned, and two what the fuck happened to the "Barack" blog? "The 'barack' blog," I asked "What the hell is that?" He then went on a diatribe about all of my "big" words and how it was something I used to sometimes write on MySpace. "Ahhhh...you mean 'baroque' blogs." "Yeah, whatever you snarky fuck, I used to love those hate filled rants. What happened to those?" I then promised that I would bring back the Baroque Blog at least once as a gift to him. So here you are Danny, happy birfday.

There are three things that I will probably never stop thinking about, and that will probably never change in order of importance as long as I live, unless I win the lottery, then 2nd and 3rd will become 1st and 2nd and 1st will become third. Money, Women, and Music. Now: Women. I think about women a lot. So much so that I feel oddly gay when I start critiquing their fashion (I did it here). I'm no prize pig myself when it comes to fashion, but it's pretty hard to rip apart a dude who primarily wears jeans and a t-shirt. Anyway, I've dedicated a lot of thought to this and I think it's time that I just come out and say it. STOP WEARING THOSE ENORMOUS SUNGLASSES. You don't look mysterious, you definitely don't look like the gorgeous Audrey Hepburn (admittedly she doesn't look that good here either however, go back and watch Roman Holiday, then try and tell me to tell me she is not a stunner), and men do not find you more attractive because of them. These fucking things cover up one of, if not the most flattering aspects on a woman. At best, you look like an insect. At worst, Paris Hilton. Please stop.

OMG, video games! Fuck the next gen, the Nintendo DS is where it's at. Not only is the Legend of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass coming out soon but Square Enix is remaking Final Fantasy VI(?) in glorious 2.5D! I piss my pants every time I think about playing these games, which sucks because it means that I am spending a lot of money on laundry these days, and often reeking of urine.

BREAKING: Page France is my new favorite band. Finish this blarge, and go and buy their new album. Also, these two are almost too much to handle, Mr. Proper and I saw them at the Capitol Hill Block Party last week and they rocked it. Kim is way more cute in person and cannot stop smiling.

Apparently I used to end each of these with the latest death of one of my hero's, and then I would write my own obituary for them. (Un)fortunately, no that I think is cool has died, unless you count my friend Kreamy, who should have died the last time I saw him, except the knife that I used was to dull to actually do any damage, fear not though, because I don't make the same mistakes twice.

Baroque Obama in '08

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