whimsical sweaters

What started out as a joke ended up being one of the best weeks I've spent on the internet. About two weeks ago Koniferous, Steve, The Lobbyist, and I got into one of our normal daily email wars, where we send various links to on another, riffing on the state of union, net-neutrality, cats, fat people etc. etc. The thread became very heated after I sent a link to this website. Koniferous quickly replied by saying something along the lines of "I only understand about 1/3 of what you are say in these emails." Steve added "It's something that only internet dorks get." I shot back by saying that I will stop sending nonsense to them when I get a girlfriend, until then the madness will continue. Soon, The Lobbyist and Koniferous both chimed in saying that I would have to get in line behind the both of them on that front, due to the bi-lateral dryspells they seem to be going through. It did not take Steve very long to reply, and thats when my internet life changed.

Steve decided to heed our call for women, by trolling Craigslist personal ads in our respective cities. What was surprising is that he actually took the time to find each of us three separate women that we might be interested in, instead of doing something hilarious like sending us tranny personals or something of that sort. Anyway, after I received my three prospects I decided to take Steve's challenge and roll with it. Here is the email I sent to the first one, she had a questionaire, which I actually found kind of clever in a dumb way.

1. Yes or no: technology should have stopped at the gear.

This is a strange question. One, because where else can it go besides the gear? Are you talking about the software or firmware for said gear? If we didn't have those things then the 'gear' would be completely useless. Secondly, no.


2. What would you do if you ruled the world?

Re-vive the electric car, build a mono-rail out to Ballard that connects to downtown, and get rid of all those damned zombies.

3. What do you think of ayn rand is hot?

Another strange question. I am assuming what you meant to say here was "Do you think Ayn Rand is hot?" or maybe it's rhetorical like, "What do you think of Ayn Rand's hotness?" To which I can only reply, not really, but that's only because I never knew her personally, and I've never read anything that she's written, also because I find people who quote Rand are often pretentious jerks. Sorry, if you are into her, it's just never been my bag.

4. do you like big brown eyes?

Being of that persuasion myself, it's hard not to like them. But I suppose if they are too big, like say, the size of tea-saucers I'd be a little freaked out.

5. do you like going to art walk just to get drunk off free wine?

Actually, that's just a bonus. What I don't like about Art Walk are all of the tourists and hipstery kids hanging about.

6. Are you devilously handsome, cocky, egotistical, brooding but have a heart
a heart of gold?

I am violently handsome, modest, quiet, and introspective with a keen sense of loyalty.

7. Are you metrosexual or androgynous?

Well, I take a shower everyday and keep my nails cut which I hear is something those metrosexuals do. I wear clothes that fit me, but show off my rather skinny frame. So are you talking androgynous like Bowie or "It's Pat" from SNL? I also have a short beard which might exclude me from the androgyny category.

8. do you have any brothers or sisters?

I have an older sister, Inga, who is 29 years old, and two younger brothers, Alec and Henry, who are 23 and 17 respectively.

9. do you know what you want and usually get it?

I usually do what I want and get what I want about 50% of the time. Such is life.

10. ( and just for fun) fill in the blanks

Strippers______when_______moon________gin__________in your dreams

breakdance, the waxing, distills, while

I really hope that was satisfactory, and also hope to hear from you soon.

So that kind of kicked things off, and got me to thinking. Why don't I go out and find more of these personals? It's like a whole new game, right? Eventually I decided I would go to Craigslist and find the most interesting/weird ads and reply to them. Partly because it was so damn fun answering some of the ads in bazaar or satirical ways, but mostly it was out of my own morbid curiosity. In the end, after replying to about ten or so I only got three replies back. It probably didn't help that when I would send these women emails, they were as snarky (if not more) than the above. I decided I would have to kick this one up a notch.

I would have to post my own personal, and I did.

It was equal parts love lorn mid-twenties dude, and clever bastard, thanks to Chuck Klosterman. You see, I used one of Klosterman's 23 questions in it, and that was basically what inspired literally twenty different women to email over the following week. Now, I didn't admit right off the bat that I had aped one of his questions, but I was sure that someone would almost immediately call me out, but out of the twenty or so women who emailed me only one saw through my bullshit, and called me out.

After answering the question, most of the ladies would tell me a little about themselves. What kind of music they listen to, where they work, standard boilerplate stuff. Some, unprompted, would send me pictures. Let's get something straight, I NEVER asked for pictures, nor would I ask for pictures. It just seems kind of creepy, and really you never know what you are going to get. I got two pictures from two seperate women that made me want to end this experiment, these were perfect examples why these nets can be kind of scary. There are weird people on them. I won't go into too much detail, let's just say that there was some exposed skin involved, lots of exposed skin.

The best part of this whole thing was how much I learned. We spend so much time emailing and chatting with friends and family, you forget that there are millions of anonymous strangers seeking connection. I finally found the answer to a question that's been bothering me for years; How do people find 'love' on the internet? Not that I fell in love with any of these people I was chatting with but the majority of the responses and the ensuing threads that came after were intriguing to say the least, I would probably want to hang out with them if it wasn't some sort of weird 1 on 1 internet blind date type of situation. I was propositioned several times for meet-ups but decided not to, because of my own hang ups. I like the idea of this new type of 'social revolution' but I prefer the old fashioned way of meeting people. Drunk, and through friends.

The experiment ended almost as quickly as it had begun. I had narrowed it down to three different girls, all of which suddenly lost interest in the whole thing about two days ago simultaneously. What happened? I'm not sure, maybe they discovered this blarge (like one industrious minx did) or maybe they grew tired of my ego maniacal rants. Who knows, the point is, it was worth it and I plan on taking the same strategy to a different website/medium very soon. I kind of enjoyed being fawned over by women. It was just like that brief period in my life when I was 22....

By the way, if have any faith in my powers to select music then take heed. The new Jens Lekmen album, "Night Falls Over Kortedala" is the absolute note! Buy it now, and give me a huge high five later.