OK, so I am late in posting again, I apologize. Also, I am not going to do that "Top Secret" post that I promised you a couple of days ago, because I don't want to give you some half-baked piece of shit I was into posting on MySpace. Instead, I am going to leave you with something I wrote many months ago but am still very proud of. I will return next Monday with that bi-weekly thing next week. Wordles.
Originally posted on MySpace Friday, March 17, 2006
| | Title: The Token Gay Guy: Lance I've said it before and I'll say it again, being a rapper is really hard. But I've found at least one shortcut in my daily rap life (or 'game' as we rappers like to call it). The shortcut? Hydration. Yes, at the behest of my good friend Danny and his lovely girlfriend I was instructed to try a flavor of "vitamanwater" by GLACEAU. Not just any flavor though, this one is edgy and hip, it's called "Formula 50" and it gets it's name from the best 50 in the world. Who else could I be talking about other than the Mr. Half-dollar himself, Fifty Cent.
Yes, Fiddy has his own sports drink and I'm sure he came up with the concept, flavor, and marketing for it too. Hell, just read the back of the bottle.
"50 cent's new album is bound to go platinum so formula 50 decided to go platinum too. not to be outdone, we are happy to announce the release of our own album, "hydrate or die tryin'." all we need is one little shout out at the MTV video music awards. suckaz be movin' out the wa at them bevarage conferences. plus, our drink has the nutrients you need to fuel you through your day. that's just how we roll here in queens."
Wasn't that "hydrate or die tryin'." thing clever? You gotta know that the Cent approved that one personally. What the dick are these douches thinking!? A "shout out at the MTV music video awards" fucking classic. Here's what I picture: A large boardroom in New York at the GLACEAU HQ, a bunch of white dudes in their mid-thirties sitting around a table trying to figure out how to make their product appeal to the most illusive demographic out there. The 17-25 year old North American male. Here is a snippet of an imagined, yet inspired conversation.
Marketing Guy ..1: Alright Guy's we are not leaving here until we figure out how to sell more vitamanwater!
Marketing Guy ..2: But Gerald, I have a spray on tan appointment at 3 that I can't miss. I mean just look at me!
MG ..3: And I have to get a peticure with my mistress in less than a half-hour.
MG ..1: The both of you shut-up! We are all making sacrifices here. For instance; I'm missing "All My Children" right now and today is the day that we were supposed to find out who the father of Sara's baby is.
MG ..3: I think it's Dr. Stevens.
MG ..2: I can tell you right now that it isn't Dr. Stevens. It was the Ghost Pirate.
MG ..1: First of all...you guys watch AMC! Secondly, you're both wrong, it wasn't Dr. Stevens because he's Sara's father, and c'mon, the Ghost Pirate? He's a ghost for Christ sake.
MG ..2: Don't you remember when the Ghost Pirate possesed Queenie's body and then seduced Sara?
MG ..1: Eric, Queenie's a woman.
MG ..3: Ahhh, but you forgot the most important part about Queenie, she's transgendered!
MG ..1: Oh yeah! Wait, what does that even mean? Do you know Eric?
MG ..2: Ummm, no, let's ask our token gay guy Lance!
TGG LANCE: For the last time, I'M NOT GAY! Aren't we supposed to be talking about how to sell more vitamin water?
MG ..1:(Shakes his head in knowing/joking way) Oh, Lance, always the kidder. Hey I know let's do a Wiki!
UNISON:(Lot's of cheering and jumping up and down as they exit the boardroom, except for Lance)
TGG LANCE: I guess it's up to me...as usual. (Laughtrack. Fade to black.)
That was riveting wasn't it? It turns out that Lance came up with whole idea! I smell a sitcom, maybe Fiddy will want in on this one. All I need is one little shout out at the MTV Music Video Awards.
How in the hell did I even get here. Thanks for reading. |
2 comments:
The irony of it all is that my personal hero, "Fiddy," owns fiddy percent of vitamin water. This means, in essence, he paid for big-gay-white Lance to come up with the marketing pitch.
What's most important, however, is that my ultra hero is helping to fight diabetes! Check out this poignant article about our idol from my favorite republican-skewed newspaper... and by poignant, I mean, I have no idea what the fuck the author is trying to say.
In addition, check out the thread of comments below the article. Taken as a whole they provide a hilariously hilarious insight into the awesomely awesomeness of the American people (good and bad):
http://blog.washingtonpost.com/celebritology/2006/04/spokesrappers_delight.html
You said that 50 probably had a hand in the concept for is self titled 'formula,' with a slight hint of sarcasm. Though I'm sure most of the marketing and what not was created by "TGGL," but I must say that there is a good chance that Curtis, perhaps with the help of some of his Guerilla Unit comrads, most likely had a say in the flavor of the beverage. I mean it is grape flavored. And might I add that it is not grape juice, but grape drink. Clearly the work of hood dwellers.
Just dont tell antone I said so, cause technically I am affiliated.
G-G-G-G-UNIT!
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