also: backwards baseball caps

Being the self-proclaimed sole arbiter of all that is cool is not all milk and honey. It means I have to make tough decisions, like our president, I'm a decider. So, the other day I decided once and for all that I would be the one to rid this world of a fashion scourge that doesn't seem to want to die. Sure, it will disappear for a few decades but it always seems to come back and I for one am sick of it. What is this cancer-like fad I am talking about you ask? Why it's none other than the polo with a "popped" collar, like the one seen on this douche.

That's right internets, the buck stops here. But before I get into how I am going to eradicate this plague on society, how about a little history lesson?

The year was 1953, America was still high on the fact that we won a war, and got the chance to drop huge bombs on some innocent Japanese people. Still, America was very uptight, you might even call it starchy. That was until Eric T. Wickenspat arrived on the scene. At the time Mr. Wickenspat was but a young lad of the ripe age of 19. He was not a very popular guy, infact one might even go as far as to say he was the very antithesis of popular. That was until one fateful day. The day was like any other, Eric got up at the very uncool hour of 6am, he proceeded to go into his morning routine. Shave, shower, possibly masturbate, and then he would get dressed. It was in that final stage of his routine that he would change the world as we know it.

The story goes that his antics (*wink* *wink*) in the shower had made him late for school so he had to get dressed fast. He threw on some jeans and a nice polo shirt, making sure that the collar was straight as he ran out of the door, nearly forgetting the lunch his mother had made for him. He climbed aboard his Schwinn and was off like a rocket, it was a windy day and Eric was riding fast, but the his collar held firm in it's natural position. Looking at his watch he noticed that he only had 8 minutes before the first bell rang and he couldn't be tardy again! So he took the shortcut through Ol'Mr. Johnston's yard, which was full of trees that had really spindly branches that shot out in every direction, those branches had the annoying albeit uncanny ability to pop collars. Yet somehow Eric managed to dodge them all, laughing maniacally and saying "Not today you silly trees! My collar will remain unpopped till the day I die!"

Emerging from Ol'Mr. Johnston's forest like yard, Eric was still chuckling to himself, but the laughter would be cut short, as a series of tragic events involving a narrow miss by a Studebaker, poodle, run-away lawn mower, and a girl from Eric's school in a poodle skirt would end his life, think "Final Destination" only with better acting. Curiously during all of this Eric's collar became popped. Word spread like wild fire of the young mans death and his mysterious uncouth collar. So out of an act of solidarity and remembrance for this hapless loser his classmates popped their collars as well.

So now you know. It's kind of sad when you think about it because it started off as something very noble, then the 80's got a hold of it and just drove it into the ground, like the 80's tend to do. Damn you 80's!

Back to the point of this meandorous blahg. The only way we are going to end this fad is to tell these people that they are in fact tool boxes. I am not saying you should walk up to them and say "Listen here tool box. That pink polo is bad enough without the whole popped collar thing. Would you just do us all a favor and throw yourself in to a wood chipper?" While that would be incredibly effective, it would likely invite a free ass whoopin'. I suggest a more subtle approach, for instance make fun of him in a more round about fashion. That's more my style, some biting snark usually gets your point across, without the oh so painful broken nose. Also ladies, this all really lies with you, you see I have made many a fashion faux-pas in my day but when a girl laughs in my face over it I tend to not make the same mistake twice! Easy.

If that fails, my other plan involves detention centers, a veritable bevy of highly illegal torture methods (a la the American government), and ultimately the sale of these doods into white slavery. No one said it was going to be easy.