I know you are probably tired of hearing about how fucked the economy is, but even I can't shutup about it. From the "I-told-you-so" GM bankruptcy to the banks hording money, only to use said horded money (our money btw) to buy out other banks. Which is awesome, because if you banked with Washington Mutual, you are now a Chase Bank customer, and if you live in Washington then you get to see this even more awesome plastered on billboards everywhere you go;
"Let's start banking better, Washington."
-Chase
Wow! Fuck you too, Chase Bank. Let's start banking better? You assholes were part of the shit storm that put us in this current situation. It wasn't our fault that you allowed Americans to take loans they couldn't afford to pay back, it was yours. Let's start fucking banking better? Seriously? WaMu would still be around if you didn't have more powerful lobbyists fighting for that (our) sweet, sweet bailout money. Assholes.
I want to know who handles the advertising for Chase, because the hubris and irony of this current ad campaign is lost on no one I've talked to about it. Yet it completely escaped the quality control department of Chase's ad department, Chase's execs, and the poor guys who put these things up. Because taken at face value, this particular billboard message is condescending, but then you start to think about it, and you start to see the irony; a bank that was on the brink of failing and that accepted TARP funds is telling us to start banking better...with them.
So yeah, I'm pretty pissed about that, but you know what else I'm pissed about? I now own 60% of GM, and I'm still not getting a free car out of it. Not that I would ever want something like this. But seriously, I think every economist ever, was telling the goverment not give them bailout money and they did it anyway saying, this would more likely than not keep GM from going under. Seven months later, and they've filed for Chapter 11, which is what the government should have let them do instead of wasting 30 billion fucking dollars on this piece of shit company.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but do we not live in a capitalist society, where companies and businesses who suck and refuse to innovate die, and the one's who don't thrive. I realize the GM, isn't a computer or software company, but they do sell a product that lot's of American's seem to need. Unfortunatley for them they sell the crappiest product possible for an inflated price and haven't had an innovatice idea since Saturn, which they've been trying to kill from the begining. Hence, why all of the other American brand car companies didn't take bailout money, except for Chrysler, but they had the fortune of being bought out by a European manufacture, and will hopefully be turned around, because they are arguably the worst offenders of all in this mess. My sister thinks the PT Cruiser is what did them in, I'm inclined to believe her.
I don't claim to be ace at figuring this stuff out, but anybody can see giving 30 billion to a failing company and then buying the company a few months later for 60 billion or creating a billboard that basically say; "We control your money and your enconomy what are you going to do about it?" is a bad play. But you know what? At least I have a job, and President Obama has come through on at least one of his promises.
You see what I did there?
Monday, June 8, 2009
Thursday, July 17, 2008
been around the world and i've been playa hated
First, listen to this, don't watch the video though just listen. Then, read on.
Did you do it? I'll understand if you couldn't get through the whole thing, but I really think you should in order to understand why I think that this is the worst song I have ever heard, and why pop music is just not the same as it was when I was still listening to it.
The other day, as I was parking yet another rental car, who's renters had the radio tuned to the always inane KUBE 93.3, that very song came on. It was a slow day and I decided to take my time parking the vehicle. The very first thing that I noticed about the track, was that the "rapper" who was "rapping" uses a style of cadence and lyrical flow that many of us will find immediately recognizable. He sounds white, moreover, he sounds like Eminem. Or at least he's trying to, which is probably worse. My point here is that the rapping is bad, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. The rhyming is simple, the hook is stilted, and the construction is obvious, but more on that soon enough.
This song is called "Handlebars" by the Flobots (which is actually not a bad name for a group, but it would only be good if said band had some talent) but if I were to have been the namer of songs on this album, perhaps I would have called it "Training Wheels", because that's what these guys need. Obvious joke or clever observation? You decide.
The first two stanzas have the "rapping dude" not only mentioning that he is a "famous rapper" but that he is also proud to be "an American". Fuck yeah. So when I was sitting in this guests car and I heard this first part I initially thought that this song was a parody, or perhaps sytyrical in some way and even when they reached the first chorus I was still pretty convinced. But then the second third happend...
...and suddenly we have a half-assed politicol discourse, on consumerism, government, and (of all things) slpitting atoms. Leave it to people like these, to educate the future of America on nuclear physics.
Still, I shouldn't be pissed about all this. I was the same way when I was the age of the kids who are getting "psyched" about this type of music. I thought that such top 40 artists such as Rage Against the Machine, Green Day, and Sublime had my best interests in mind. And sure as shit they did, maybe not the bands themselves, but their lable people did, and targeted their music right at me.
Maybe, thats why this song sounds like it has no soul, or anger, hence why the band (or producer) felt the need to add the grungy guitars, weepy frenchorns, and plodding beat. This tracks incoherence is it's ultimate downfall. Played on the radio, and listened to a few times, I can see why this is a popular song. But comparably, to others like it, "Handlebars" falls short due to it's obvious panderance to a market that is so saturated with this bullshit, that maybe the kids who are listening to this stuff feel hopless enough that they will keep buying it, because as long as there are teenagers there will be angsty teen music. Scientists have been searching for a "Perpetual Motion Machine" for years, maybe they should look at their spawn.
So why do I think that this is the worst song I have ever heard? Well, it's simple: How the fuck is that track not a Weird Al Yankovic song? It might be because this shit has been going on for the better part of two decades, and is a proven winning format for a song. Or maybe I am just a jaded mid-twenties dick, with hipster tendencies, living in Seattle, and listening to semi-obscure bands that very few people can relate with. Or maybe I am only a dick.
Question: What's the worst song you have ever heard internet?
Did you do it? I'll understand if you couldn't get through the whole thing, but I really think you should in order to understand why I think that this is the worst song I have ever heard, and why pop music is just not the same as it was when I was still listening to it.
The other day, as I was parking yet another rental car, who's renters had the radio tuned to the always inane KUBE 93.3, that very song came on. It was a slow day and I decided to take my time parking the vehicle. The very first thing that I noticed about the track, was that the "rapper" who was "rapping" uses a style of cadence and lyrical flow that many of us will find immediately recognizable. He sounds white, moreover, he sounds like Eminem. Or at least he's trying to, which is probably worse. My point here is that the rapping is bad, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. The rhyming is simple, the hook is stilted, and the construction is obvious, but more on that soon enough.
This song is called "Handlebars" by the Flobots (which is actually not a bad name for a group, but it would only be good if said band had some talent) but if I were to have been the namer of songs on this album, perhaps I would have called it "Training Wheels", because that's what these guys need. Obvious joke or clever observation? You decide.
The first two stanzas have the "rapping dude" not only mentioning that he is a "famous rapper" but that he is also proud to be "an American". Fuck yeah. So when I was sitting in this guests car and I heard this first part I initially thought that this song was a parody, or perhaps sytyrical in some way and even when they reached the first chorus I was still pretty convinced. But then the second third happend...
...and suddenly we have a half-assed politicol discourse, on consumerism, government, and (of all things) slpitting atoms. Leave it to people like these, to educate the future of America on nuclear physics.
Still, I shouldn't be pissed about all this. I was the same way when I was the age of the kids who are getting "psyched" about this type of music. I thought that such top 40 artists such as Rage Against the Machine, Green Day, and Sublime had my best interests in mind. And sure as shit they did, maybe not the bands themselves, but their lable people did, and targeted their music right at me.
Maybe, thats why this song sounds like it has no soul, or anger, hence why the band (or producer) felt the need to add the grungy guitars, weepy frenchorns, and plodding beat. This tracks incoherence is it's ultimate downfall. Played on the radio, and listened to a few times, I can see why this is a popular song. But comparably, to others like it, "Handlebars" falls short due to it's obvious panderance to a market that is so saturated with this bullshit, that maybe the kids who are listening to this stuff feel hopless enough that they will keep buying it, because as long as there are teenagers there will be angsty teen music. Scientists have been searching for a "Perpetual Motion Machine" for years, maybe they should look at their spawn.
So why do I think that this is the worst song I have ever heard? Well, it's simple: How the fuck is that track not a Weird Al Yankovic song? It might be because this shit has been going on for the better part of two decades, and is a proven winning format for a song. Or maybe I am just a jaded mid-twenties dick, with hipster tendencies, living in Seattle, and listening to semi-obscure bands that very few people can relate with. Or maybe I am only a dick.
Question: What's the worst song you have ever heard internet?
Monday, April 7, 2008
tell those dalmatangs, that i like mine mankattan style
I am heeding your call internet, I'm back. Where I have I been? Well, first I was in the ICU, then I I had about 4 weeks of rehabilitation. Why? Well, I lost both of my hands in a horrible sewing accident (I should have paid more attention in Home Ec. huh?) But I'm back now, thanks to Microsoft Sync™ the voice recognition software, and aside from the Phantom Limb Syndrome I am doing alright. The doctors told me to take it easy with the blarging though, so I am going to make my return by hitting you with....wait for it......a BAROQUE BLOG!
So I am going to mix this one up by adding a new segment I'm going to call, "Elliot Thinks You Should Go To Hell, Seriously Guy, Just Do It, Seriously." or ETYSGTHSGJDS. This is going to be an obvious one but here goes anyway. Hey! Excuse me....EXCUSE ME! Yeah you, loud cell phone talker! I think you should go to hell, seriously guy, just do it, seriously.
That last segment needs some improvement, but I will work on it, I promise. Ah yes, one of my favorite topics, women's fashion. Unfortunately I don't have much to write about here. I really haven't seen any new trends yet this season. Women here are still wearing basically the same shit they've been wearing for the last 6 months. Layers, goofy hats, rain boots, the same Burbury scarf that everyone and their bag of chips owns. Boring! I could blame the sun, but perhaps we've reached the apex of women's fashion here in this city. I'll give it another month before close the file on this one. In the mean time, let me extol the virtues of Paul Frank underwear to all of you, all while telling you that I am currently rocking said underwear. Hot? Fuck yeah that is. Holy shit are these some good underwears. Underwear have always been a point of contention with me when it comes to choosing clothing. I am skinny, very skinny, and I lack buttocks. Most people don't design underwear for me, but Paul Frank, goddamn did he ever! I kind of wish I could walk around in just these, but the site of my hairy sunken chested facade and chicken legs, might overpower the beauty of these underwear, with their screen print of an amp. Buy some, they will fit like magic. Assuming magic has a fit, and I'm confident that it does, because again, I'm wearing it/them.
In music news. Destroyers latest is a major disappointment, but only to me apparently because the critics can't shut up about it. From our local mag The Stranger to Details people won't stop saying that this is by far his best, which is so untrue. But I am going to stay away from becoming a raving fanboy and say that while there are some really good tracks on there, it is not his best. But this has kind of been par for the course this year with new album releases. DevotchKa's latest, is not that good. She & Him, an M. Ward side project featuring my other girlfriend (sorry Buckaroo, a guy's gotta dream) Zooey Deschanel, has alot of "she" but not enough "him", which is a shame because their vocal pairing seems like it would be a silver bullet. Headlights on the other hand, fucking perfect, and if you are a fan of dream pop, silky harmonies, and synth, then you should pick them up. It's a creeper for sure, but I guarantee you'll be humming their songs when not thinking after 3 full listens. But if I had to suggest one album you should get right now, then it would have to be Thao and The Get Down, Stay Down's We Brave Bee Stings and All. It's brilliant, inventive, and there isn't a single throwaway track on there.
I will say only three things about videogames here.
1: Fuck Mr. Proper, and fuck Wii tennis.
2: Ninja Gaiden for the DS is very satisfying.
3: I can't wait for Starwars: The Force Unleashed. I get at least a half stock every time I see a new video for this game, which is weird and confusing.
As most of you will be hearing today, Charlton Heston is fucking dead. This will actually come as no surprise to you though because I was pretty sure he was dead a long time ago. He was as old as Moses, a character he played at one point, who in the bible, apparently live for like 600 years. I could be mixing Moses up with someone else, but I am too lazy to do the research. I can't say much about this guy, I've seen three of his movies. I always thought he was a bit of an over-actor even for his time, when everyone was an over-actor. But maybe I'm a just a cynical dick, who knows. I guess what I would be more interested in is, if there is a heaven, and Moses is actually up there, then he has been waiting a long time to say this:
Moses: Bro, you look nothing like me!
CH: Oh my god! Is this terrorist heaven?!
You'll get that joke about half way through tomorrow. Anyway, tune in next week because I am (finally) changing the BPAABP guy! That's right the logo is changing, would like to be the new silhouette? Well then send me a picture of you with a backpack and a bus pass, or just a back pack and a bus pass, or just something cool to silhouette. Fun! So just send it to me at backpackandabuspass@gmail.com subject:silhouette.
I'll leave you with this idiot. Enjoy!
So I am going to mix this one up by adding a new segment I'm going to call, "Elliot Thinks You Should Go To Hell, Seriously Guy, Just Do It, Seriously." or ETYSGTHSGJDS. This is going to be an obvious one but here goes anyway. Hey! Excuse me....EXCUSE ME! Yeah you, loud cell phone talker! I think you should go to hell, seriously guy, just do it, seriously.
That last segment needs some improvement, but I will work on it, I promise. Ah yes, one of my favorite topics, women's fashion. Unfortunately I don't have much to write about here. I really haven't seen any new trends yet this season. Women here are still wearing basically the same shit they've been wearing for the last 6 months. Layers, goofy hats, rain boots, the same Burbury scarf that everyone and their bag of chips owns. Boring! I could blame the sun, but perhaps we've reached the apex of women's fashion here in this city. I'll give it another month before close the file on this one. In the mean time, let me extol the virtues of Paul Frank underwear to all of you, all while telling you that I am currently rocking said underwear. Hot? Fuck yeah that is. Holy shit are these some good underwears. Underwear have always been a point of contention with me when it comes to choosing clothing. I am skinny, very skinny, and I lack buttocks. Most people don't design underwear for me, but Paul Frank, goddamn did he ever! I kind of wish I could walk around in just these, but the site of my hairy sunken chested facade and chicken legs, might overpower the beauty of these underwear, with their screen print of an amp. Buy some, they will fit like magic. Assuming magic has a fit, and I'm confident that it does, because again, I'm wearing it/them.
In music news. Destroyers latest is a major disappointment, but only to me apparently because the critics can't shut up about it. From our local mag The Stranger to Details people won't stop saying that this is by far his best, which is so untrue. But I am going to stay away from becoming a raving fanboy and say that while there are some really good tracks on there, it is not his best. But this has kind of been par for the course this year with new album releases. DevotchKa's latest, is not that good. She & Him, an M. Ward side project featuring my other girlfriend (sorry Buckaroo, a guy's gotta dream) Zooey Deschanel, has alot of "she" but not enough "him", which is a shame because their vocal pairing seems like it would be a silver bullet. Headlights on the other hand, fucking perfect, and if you are a fan of dream pop, silky harmonies, and synth, then you should pick them up. It's a creeper for sure, but I guarantee you'll be humming their songs when not thinking after 3 full listens. But if I had to suggest one album you should get right now, then it would have to be Thao and The Get Down, Stay Down's We Brave Bee Stings and All. It's brilliant, inventive, and there isn't a single throwaway track on there.
I will say only three things about videogames here.
1: Fuck Mr. Proper, and fuck Wii tennis.
2: Ninja Gaiden for the DS is very satisfying.
3: I can't wait for Starwars: The Force Unleashed. I get at least a half stock every time I see a new video for this game, which is weird and confusing.
As most of you will be hearing today, Charlton Heston is fucking dead. This will actually come as no surprise to you though because I was pretty sure he was dead a long time ago. He was as old as Moses, a character he played at one point, who in the bible, apparently live for like 600 years. I could be mixing Moses up with someone else, but I am too lazy to do the research. I can't say much about this guy, I've seen three of his movies. I always thought he was a bit of an over-actor even for his time, when everyone was an over-actor. But maybe I'm a just a cynical dick, who knows. I guess what I would be more interested in is, if there is a heaven, and Moses is actually up there, then he has been waiting a long time to say this:
Moses: Bro, you look nothing like me!
CH: Oh my god! Is this terrorist heaven?!
You'll get that joke about half way through tomorrow. Anyway, tune in next week because I am (finally) changing the BPAABP guy! That's right the logo is changing, would like to be the new silhouette? Well then send me a picture of you with a backpack and a bus pass, or just a back pack and a bus pass, or just something cool to silhouette. Fun! So just send it to me at backpackandabuspass@gmail.com subject:silhouette.
I'll leave you with this idiot. Enjoy!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
the wheels fell off that bus long ago.
Fuck Safeway. Oh man, fuck Safeway.
I am getting ahead of myself a little, allow me to preface. You see recently here in Ballard, due to urban development, my very local QFC closed down for renovations. Not just any renovations however we are talking a brand new store...with apartments or condos on top. So they ripped this place down, which at first wasn't a huge deal until I remembered why I started going to QFC in the first place. Sure, it was all of 2 blocks away, but even before I moved in with Voltron, I was a strict QFC shopper. The reasons are numerous as to why I chose QFC as my grocery of choice. Chief amongst the reasons are pre-seasoned meats. "Dude, you can season your own meats pretty easily." I hear you saying, and I'll avoid the obvious joke I could make about "seasoning my own meats" but I will say this my little internet; you haven't lived until you've had their "cajun rub" chicken. Easy and delicious, but I suppose one of the biggest bummers about them deciding to bring this QFC into the 21st century is the loss of the most infamous check-out girl, Jane.
Cold, indifferent, attractive, and way out of my league. Jane inspired not only a story, but a screenplay. But this story is for another blarg entirely, perhaps even coming to a YouTube near you...that is if I get motivated.
So Safeway, yeah fuck that place, not only does it not have cute checkers or pre-seasoned meats, it has the exact opposite of those two things. Inept anti-hot checkers, meats that are sans seasoning, and the dumbest isle set up known to the modern world. Not to mention I've heard the franchise is owned by the Morm's, but I've never been able to substantiate that claim. The other day though, I was reminded why I stopped shopping there years ago.
Work ended and I hopped on my beloved #15 bus home. At eleven at night this bus is the absolute height of efficiency, it behaves like an express route, but it isn't packed and you never have to ride it with drunk homeless people going from nowhere to nowhere because the free ride zone ends at 7pm. Anyway, I leave 1st and Seneca at around 11:15pm and get to 15th and Market at about 11:30pm, again a very quick trip. The bus stop that I get off at is right in front of a Safeway parking lot, and the store itself is about six (city)blocks from my house. I decide to go into the store because I would like to reward myself for parking cars with a cold 22oz. of Heineken and maybe some deodorant because like my liver, my armpits need lovin' too.
Now, I've been to a lot of grocery stores late at night sober and drunk, mostly drunk though on a Friday or Saturday night. They usually have a larger staff on those nights to keep the drunks from stealing food, and to keep the teenagers from taking 'whipits' or from stealing cigarettes. Well, this was a Wednesday at Safeway, so the "enforcers" weren't there. I grabbed my shit, making a perfect arc from the entrance to the only open checkout stand as I did. As I approached the stand I noticed that the guy in front of me had a cart full of groceries, and I thought to myself "Just subtly make him aware that you have only two items, and he will kindly let you go ahead of him." This is what any self respecting citizen of the human race would have done, instead this fuck face looked at me, loaded his considerable amount of shit on to that little conveyor belt and much to my obvious chagrin, ignored me.
It was only after I heard him speak, that I realized why he had done this. He was French, they are notoriously rude, and that isn't heresy, they are. Okay, so Frenchie didn't let me go ahead of him, but he had a lot of easily scannable items so I figured 'what's another 5 minutes?' I would be home hanging with you in no time. Wow! I mean WOW! Was I wrong.
All of his items scanned perfectly, save one bottle of wine. As I am sure you are aware of internet, this happens a lot. Items not scanning correctly, most likely due to a damaged bar code. In the case of this particular product, it hadn't been entered into the "computer" thereby making it a non-existent item, even though it was right in front of our growingly annoyed faces, because by this point the line that formed behind me and Frenchie, had increased by about 6 four of whom had carts full of goods. Still, this a-hole persisted with this one bottle of wine he needed so bad, but was completely non-chalant about it. The checker lady calls over her manager and asks her to go find the price of the bottle, so the manager grabs it and walks away.
This wouldn't have been a big deal, if the guy had had only one bottle of wine, however, dick breath had between 10 and 15 different bottles of wine in his cart, but still didn't ask them not to go and find the price, he just let them go. The line kept getting bigger, and by this time you could actually feel the rage emanating from the group of people behind me, it was hot and negative. The manager returns after about 5 minutes still holding the bottle and asks Frenchie where he found it, he says that he found it in the wine section in a stupidly vague way, and everyone pauses waiting for him to say, "Le fuck it, I do not need zat bottle." the manager lady even gives him an opportunity by saying "I guess I can go give it another look." But his indifference wins out and she again walks away.
Another five minutes pass, and by this time I have memorized every headline on every trashy magazine, and even some the ingredients in Orbits gum. The manager returns with a little price tag hands it to the cashier who tries to scan it, of course it won't scan because as we had figured out earlier the fucking thing isn't in the fucking computer. People are audibly deep sighing at this point, so the manager gives the checker her permission to charge the guy 15 bucks for the bottle just we can get out of this nightmare. Last item procured Frenchie hands her some cash, grabs his bags and exits the store, no apology to the now 12 deep line that had formed behind as the people dealt with his wine shenanigans. Checker lady finally scans my shit and I exit the store. What should have been a 4 minute dalliance in an otherwise uncrowded store, turned into a 15 minute ordeal, and a subsequent blog.
There are many ways this could have been avoided but I'll just focus on the one's that I think matter. First, buddy could have just told them that he didn't need the wine. Second, the checkout people could have just told him that they couldn't sell it to him, from his demeanor he probably wouldn't have cared. Third, they could have opened up another line, while the manager ran around I saw several other employees milling about the store. You would think that with the closing of the QFC they would want to beef their shit up, knowing that they are going to have a large influx of people going to their store now, but no.
It's another classic example of a corporation refusing to change and adapt. While QFC has made leaps and bounds in the grocery shopping experience, from self-checkout stands, to only hiring smart young people and putting them in the place where pays to be fast and personable, up front. Now that is just my general observation, but every Safeway I have been to over the last ten years seem to employ a good handful of truly inept people, in some cases there are actual mentally challenged people running the registers, just go to the Safeway on 50th and Boston and try and get through a line in under 10 minutes, I dare you.
So that was the very last experience I will ever have at Safeway, I am now officially going completely out of my way just to get groceries these days. Instead of walking, I am now taking a bus to get my prized Lenders' bagels, at a QFC, that Jane was apparently transferred to. If anyone from Safeway happens to be reading this, know that my middle finger is forever extended in honor of your shitastic customer service, crappy stores, and seasonless meats.
I am getting ahead of myself a little, allow me to preface. You see recently here in Ballard, due to urban development, my very local QFC closed down for renovations. Not just any renovations however we are talking a brand new store...with apartments or condos on top. So they ripped this place down, which at first wasn't a huge deal until I remembered why I started going to QFC in the first place. Sure, it was all of 2 blocks away, but even before I moved in with Voltron, I was a strict QFC shopper. The reasons are numerous as to why I chose QFC as my grocery of choice. Chief amongst the reasons are pre-seasoned meats. "Dude, you can season your own meats pretty easily." I hear you saying, and I'll avoid the obvious joke I could make about "seasoning my own meats" but I will say this my little internet; you haven't lived until you've had their "cajun rub" chicken. Easy and delicious, but I suppose one of the biggest bummers about them deciding to bring this QFC into the 21st century is the loss of the most infamous check-out girl, Jane.
Cold, indifferent, attractive, and way out of my league. Jane inspired not only a story, but a screenplay. But this story is for another blarg entirely, perhaps even coming to a YouTube near you...that is if I get motivated.
So Safeway, yeah fuck that place, not only does it not have cute checkers or pre-seasoned meats, it has the exact opposite of those two things. Inept anti-hot checkers, meats that are sans seasoning, and the dumbest isle set up known to the modern world. Not to mention I've heard the franchise is owned by the Morm's, but I've never been able to substantiate that claim. The other day though, I was reminded why I stopped shopping there years ago.
Work ended and I hopped on my beloved #15 bus home. At eleven at night this bus is the absolute height of efficiency, it behaves like an express route, but it isn't packed and you never have to ride it with drunk homeless people going from nowhere to nowhere because the free ride zone ends at 7pm. Anyway, I leave 1st and Seneca at around 11:15pm and get to 15th and Market at about 11:30pm, again a very quick trip. The bus stop that I get off at is right in front of a Safeway parking lot, and the store itself is about six (city)blocks from my house. I decide to go into the store because I would like to reward myself for parking cars with a cold 22oz. of Heineken and maybe some deodorant because like my liver, my armpits need lovin' too.
Now, I've been to a lot of grocery stores late at night sober and drunk, mostly drunk though on a Friday or Saturday night. They usually have a larger staff on those nights to keep the drunks from stealing food, and to keep the teenagers from taking 'whipits' or from stealing cigarettes. Well, this was a Wednesday at Safeway, so the "enforcers" weren't there. I grabbed my shit, making a perfect arc from the entrance to the only open checkout stand as I did. As I approached the stand I noticed that the guy in front of me had a cart full of groceries, and I thought to myself "Just subtly make him aware that you have only two items, and he will kindly let you go ahead of him." This is what any self respecting citizen of the human race would have done, instead this fuck face looked at me, loaded his considerable amount of shit on to that little conveyor belt and much to my obvious chagrin, ignored me.
It was only after I heard him speak, that I realized why he had done this. He was French, they are notoriously rude, and that isn't heresy, they are. Okay, so Frenchie didn't let me go ahead of him, but he had a lot of easily scannable items so I figured 'what's another 5 minutes?' I would be home hanging with you in no time. Wow! I mean WOW! Was I wrong.
All of his items scanned perfectly, save one bottle of wine. As I am sure you are aware of internet, this happens a lot. Items not scanning correctly, most likely due to a damaged bar code. In the case of this particular product, it hadn't been entered into the "computer" thereby making it a non-existent item, even though it was right in front of our growingly annoyed faces, because by this point the line that formed behind me and Frenchie, had increased by about 6 four of whom had carts full of goods. Still, this a-hole persisted with this one bottle of wine he needed so bad, but was completely non-chalant about it. The checker lady calls over her manager and asks her to go find the price of the bottle, so the manager grabs it and walks away.
This wouldn't have been a big deal, if the guy had had only one bottle of wine, however, dick breath had between 10 and 15 different bottles of wine in his cart, but still didn't ask them not to go and find the price, he just let them go. The line kept getting bigger, and by this time you could actually feel the rage emanating from the group of people behind me, it was hot and negative. The manager returns after about 5 minutes still holding the bottle and asks Frenchie where he found it, he says that he found it in the wine section in a stupidly vague way, and everyone pauses waiting for him to say, "Le fuck it, I do not need zat bottle." the manager lady even gives him an opportunity by saying "I guess I can go give it another look." But his indifference wins out and she again walks away.
Another five minutes pass, and by this time I have memorized every headline on every trashy magazine, and even some the ingredients in Orbits gum. The manager returns with a little price tag hands it to the cashier who tries to scan it, of course it won't scan because as we had figured out earlier the fucking thing isn't in the fucking computer. People are audibly deep sighing at this point, so the manager gives the checker her permission to charge the guy 15 bucks for the bottle just we can get out of this nightmare. Last item procured Frenchie hands her some cash, grabs his bags and exits the store, no apology to the now 12 deep line that had formed behind as the people dealt with his wine shenanigans. Checker lady finally scans my shit and I exit the store. What should have been a 4 minute dalliance in an otherwise uncrowded store, turned into a 15 minute ordeal, and a subsequent blog.
There are many ways this could have been avoided but I'll just focus on the one's that I think matter. First, buddy could have just told them that he didn't need the wine. Second, the checkout people could have just told him that they couldn't sell it to him, from his demeanor he probably wouldn't have cared. Third, they could have opened up another line, while the manager ran around I saw several other employees milling about the store. You would think that with the closing of the QFC they would want to beef their shit up, knowing that they are going to have a large influx of people going to their store now, but no.
It's another classic example of a corporation refusing to change and adapt. While QFC has made leaps and bounds in the grocery shopping experience, from self-checkout stands, to only hiring smart young people and putting them in the place where pays to be fast and personable, up front. Now that is just my general observation, but every Safeway I have been to over the last ten years seem to employ a good handful of truly inept people, in some cases there are actual mentally challenged people running the registers, just go to the Safeway on 50th and Boston and try and get through a line in under 10 minutes, I dare you.
So that was the very last experience I will ever have at Safeway, I am now officially going completely out of my way just to get groceries these days. Instead of walking, I am now taking a bus to get my prized Lenders' bagels, at a QFC, that Jane was apparently transferred to. If anyone from Safeway happens to be reading this, know that my middle finger is forever extended in honor of your shitastic customer service, crappy stores, and seasonless meats.
Monday, December 31, 2007
"and then Methodman informed me of some flatulence in the elevator. true story."
The year is up and you know what that means internet? No it's not time for me to settle up with my ho's by slapping them, though my pimp hand has seen better days. It's time for a year end blarg! Read enough of those yet? You have? Well then you should just go outside before reading on because that's what this is all about. Like Bowie, my 2007 was full of a bunch of ch-ch-ch-changes, and instead of doing a typical year end post I've decided to do a top 10 list of the best things that happened to me this year. I tend to focus on the negative aspects of life both here on this digital sprawl and in the physical, so I've decided to give you something optimistic. David would want me to do it this way.
10: I saw Andrew Bird at the Showbox way back in May, and it was the best show I have ever been to. I had seen him before at Chopsuey but this one was awesome. I do regret hitting on my date though, but I think she forgave me.
9: I had a kick ass 25th birthday, and a blog to prove it.
8: Discovering Page France as one of my all time favorite bands, gets this spot easily.
7: You might think that losing your semi-cool job in the middle of year a low point, but it wasn't. Looking back I hated that job, and it's forced me to reconsider everything. So, losing my job as a high school sports/corporate videographer was fucking great and if I could go back to the day I was "let go" I would high five my bosses, kiss their wives, and steal a few more stacks of blank CD's before I left.
6: On a similar note, I got another job soon after, and I love it. Parking cars doesn't carry the prestige that being in Grad school does, but at least I get to go to shows and get hammered off my ass when I want to.
5: My trip to Tahoe with Dantron and Steve was fantastic. I can't wait for the next time I get a half gallon of cheap whiskey dumped on me.
4: The Internet. Thank you again for being there, you're my rock. Also possibly my roll.
3: Rediscovering the fun in arts'n'crafts. More on that soon.
2: Moving out of the "Looney Bin". Could have been number one but I want to say something special there.
1: VOLTRON! You guys are the best thing that happened to me this year, and probably in awhile. Thank you for letting me in to your home, thank you for being such good friends, and putting up with my weird self. Mr. Proper, congratulations on your new job, and thank you for all the cool shit you've shown me from music to hypothetical situations. TQoG, I realize that I am an asshole a lot of the time (especially to Assy-Face) but you are in my top 3 smartest people that I know, and I love to geek out on things with you. I couldn't have picked two better people to live with, let alone be friends with. Also, Ballard still kind of rocks.
Honorable Mentions:
The Neighbors (Marge & Nick Burns): You guys are way too cool to even be alive, it's crazy that you still are.
Sonicboom Records: Please give me free CD's for this endorsement.
Your Mom: For being hot as balls.
Inga, Alec, and Henry: You are a constant source of amusement, don't ever change.
Everyone have a happy New Year, to those of you I didn't hang out with that much in 2007, remember that '08 is the year of "New Beginnings". So now we can totally hang out!
Take it away Bowie!
10: I saw Andrew Bird at the Showbox way back in May, and it was the best show I have ever been to. I had seen him before at Chopsuey but this one was awesome. I do regret hitting on my date though, but I think she forgave me.
9: I had a kick ass 25th birthday, and a blog to prove it.
8: Discovering Page France as one of my all time favorite bands, gets this spot easily.
7: You might think that losing your semi-cool job in the middle of year a low point, but it wasn't. Looking back I hated that job, and it's forced me to reconsider everything. So, losing my job as a high school sports/corporate videographer was fucking great and if I could go back to the day I was "let go" I would high five my bosses, kiss their wives, and steal a few more stacks of blank CD's before I left.
6: On a similar note, I got another job soon after, and I love it. Parking cars doesn't carry the prestige that being in Grad school does, but at least I get to go to shows and get hammered off my ass when I want to.
5: My trip to Tahoe with Dantron and Steve was fantastic. I can't wait for the next time I get a half gallon of cheap whiskey dumped on me.
4: The Internet. Thank you again for being there, you're my rock. Also possibly my roll.
3: Rediscovering the fun in arts'n'crafts. More on that soon.
2: Moving out of the "Looney Bin". Could have been number one but I want to say something special there.
1: VOLTRON! You guys are the best thing that happened to me this year, and probably in awhile. Thank you for letting me in to your home, thank you for being such good friends, and putting up with my weird self. Mr. Proper, congratulations on your new job, and thank you for all the cool shit you've shown me from music to hypothetical situations. TQoG, I realize that I am an asshole a lot of the time (especially to Assy-Face) but you are in my top 3 smartest people that I know, and I love to geek out on things with you. I couldn't have picked two better people to live with, let alone be friends with. Also, Ballard still kind of rocks.
Honorable Mentions:
The Neighbors (Marge & Nick Burns): You guys are way too cool to even be alive, it's crazy that you still are.
Sonicboom Records: Please give me free CD's for this endorsement.
Your Mom: For being hot as balls.
Inga, Alec, and Henry: You are a constant source of amusement, don't ever change.
Everyone have a happy New Year, to those of you I didn't hang out with that much in 2007, remember that '08 is the year of "New Beginnings". So now we can totally hang out!
Take it away Bowie!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
you will never be as good as your brother. never
The shitty thing is, I have all of these jokes pre-written in my head but when it comes down to actually writing one of these things I forget half of them. So here is a joke that should have been in the last post. On the cover of that DVD one of the pull quotes read "Better than both the Matrix sequels combined!" and I thought to myself "That's not saying much because a single episode of According To Jim is better than those failed abortions of cinema." In your fucking face with a can of mace, Wachowski bros!
Mr. Proper and I went to a show last weekend at Neumo's, and like times past, hilarity ensued. We are planning another simul-blog about it but that takes a lot of coordination. So in lieu of that I have decided to hit you with a Baroque Blog instead, please to enjoy my dearest nets.
Galoshes, pretty girls are wearing them, and strangely enough I am still attracted to them. For the first time in my brief history as a women's fashion critic I am actually liking a new trend. No, this is not some sort of new fetishistic thing for me, though I do get a slight tingly sensation when I see women in Mary Janes. It rained here for like three days straight and in one day I saw about 10 different but equally attractive females wear galoshes. Functional and fashionable, keep up the good work ladies!
Nintendo continues to impress me. The Wii, while being graphically inferior to it's direct next gen rivals, is still selling like hot cakes, and next to impossible to find. But the real story is the Nintendo DS. This little dual-screened wonder has reawakened my love for videogames and reminds me of the days of yore, when I would sit for hours in my basement room playing Final Fantasy, Yoshi's Island, and Barbie Horse Adventure on my SNES. Though to be honest I was really let down by Zelda: Phantom Hourglass. The control scheme was a lot of the story was alright but the fact that I kept having to go back through the same fucking dungeon to do the same fucking puzzles was nauseating, and has subsequently kept me from finishing the game. Where as another game I bought, which actually isn't a game at all it's a guitar "simulator". Which turns my little hand-held into a working guitar. It's fun, and a great use of the hardware.
Speaking of music here is what is in heavy rotation on my iPod.
1: Scout Niblett- This Fool Can Die Now
2: Destroyer - Streethawk: A Seduction
3: The Cinematic Orchestra - Ma Fleur
4: Celebration - The Modern Tribe
5: Arthur & Yu - In Camera
I'm not going to take the time to hyperlink them shits internet, so you're on your own. Also, here is what I'm going to submit to KEXP for the Top 5 albums of 2007.
1: The New Pornographer - Challengers
2: Andrew Bird - Armchair Apochrypha
3: The Cave Singers - Invitation Songs
4: Datarock - Datarock Datarock
5: Shout Out Louds - Howl Howl Gaff Gaff
So Evel Knievel died last week. As with many boys born between the years 1965 and 1985 he was a hero, but I had forgotten about him over the years because...well...who gives a shit about someone jumping over some crap when you have the internet and it's staggering amount of free porn? Anyway, the reason why he was such a hero to me was because he attempted and failed to jump across the Snake River, which is a river that runs near my hometown, a place I have many fond memories of. Wikipedia kind of paints him as an evil *cough* bastard towards the end of his life and career, but the boy in me still thinks he's pretty cool. So here's to you Mr. Knievel, may you be forever jumping over those Grand Canyons in the sky.
Let's end this one on a high note.
Mr. Proper and I went to a show last weekend at Neumo's, and like times past, hilarity ensued. We are planning another simul-blog about it but that takes a lot of coordination. So in lieu of that I have decided to hit you with a Baroque Blog instead, please to enjoy my dearest nets.
Galoshes, pretty girls are wearing them, and strangely enough I am still attracted to them. For the first time in my brief history as a women's fashion critic I am actually liking a new trend. No, this is not some sort of new fetishistic thing for me, though I do get a slight tingly sensation when I see women in Mary Janes. It rained here for like three days straight and in one day I saw about 10 different but equally attractive females wear galoshes. Functional and fashionable, keep up the good work ladies!
Nintendo continues to impress me. The Wii, while being graphically inferior to it's direct next gen rivals, is still selling like hot cakes, and next to impossible to find. But the real story is the Nintendo DS. This little dual-screened wonder has reawakened my love for videogames and reminds me of the days of yore, when I would sit for hours in my basement room playing Final Fantasy, Yoshi's Island, and Barbie Horse Adventure on my SNES. Though to be honest I was really let down by Zelda: Phantom Hourglass. The control scheme was a lot of the story was alright but the fact that I kept having to go back through the same fucking dungeon to do the same fucking puzzles was nauseating, and has subsequently kept me from finishing the game. Where as another game I bought, which actually isn't a game at all it's a guitar "simulator". Which turns my little hand-held into a working guitar. It's fun, and a great use of the hardware.
Speaking of music here is what is in heavy rotation on my iPod.
1: Scout Niblett- This Fool Can Die Now
2: Destroyer - Streethawk: A Seduction
3: The Cinematic Orchestra - Ma Fleur
4: Celebration - The Modern Tribe
5: Arthur & Yu - In Camera
I'm not going to take the time to hyperlink them shits internet, so you're on your own. Also, here is what I'm going to submit to KEXP for the Top 5 albums of 2007.
1: The New Pornographer - Challengers
2: Andrew Bird - Armchair Apochrypha
3: The Cave Singers - Invitation Songs
4: Datarock - Datarock Datarock
5: Shout Out Louds - Howl Howl Gaff Gaff
So Evel Knievel died last week. As with many boys born between the years 1965 and 1985 he was a hero, but I had forgotten about him over the years because...well...who gives a shit about someone jumping over some crap when you have the internet and it's staggering amount of free porn? Anyway, the reason why he was such a hero to me was because he attempted and failed to jump across the Snake River, which is a river that runs near my hometown, a place I have many fond memories of. Wikipedia kind of paints him as an evil *cough* bastard towards the end of his life and career, but the boy in me still thinks he's pretty cool. So here's to you Mr. Knievel, may you be forever jumping over those Grand Canyons in the sky.
Let's end this one on a high note.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
damn, i wish i'd met her at peace time
Last Saturday after work I decided to stop by the video store to pick up a movie. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, nothing worth watching is out right now and anything that is probably sucks, I'm looking at you Transformers. I started with the new releases, but again found nothing, until this came in to view. Something about this cover told me I had to rent it. It looked like just another Japanese sci-fi action flick from the back, and I didn't really feel like thinking so I picked it up and brought it to the counter. Both of the helpful dorks at the counter told me that I'm "going to love it." and that they have been waiting "for over two months, for this to get here." Like I said, they were dorks. After I exchanged a few awkward high-fives with those dudes, I headed home, took Assy-face (Voltron's dog) out to pee, lit a few candles and fired up the Daewoo DVD player.
Holy shit.
5 minutes into it I realized what had drawn me to this movie. It was a live action re-make of an Anime OVA that I haven't seen in close to 15 years. Suddenly, I was that pimply face tween dork all over again, transported back to one of the most strange times in my life. A time between my oblivious carefree childhood, my adolescence and drawn out puberty. It was a time where I wanted to continue to be a boy, but forces beyond my control were driving me to become the man-boy I am today. I'd like to ask you to jump into my little time machine internet, as I whisk you away to the age of my own tragic innocence.
Imagine a boy, five feet tall (maybe), and 80 lbs soaking wet (definitely). He is probably the goofiest bipedal thing you can think of. Wildly curly hair, and eyebrows to big for his face. His teeth are crooked, and they will eventually take 3 years to correct. Clothing is not much of concern to him because he probably wears the same pair of jeans and the same shirt everyday, until his mother tears it from his body, and he must figure something else out. His chief concerns at the moment are cartoons, comics, video games, and Marvel cards. School, music, women, he cares for these not. He has a large group of friends but only a few of them share his true interests. This boy is me, age 12.
Like I said; Cashhern is actually a remake of an anime movie known here in the west as Casshan: Robot Hunter, and when I was 12 this was one of the first memorable experiences I had with anime. It's cannon is so ingrained in my memory that I still quote it from time to time. Cashhern was middling at best, and painfully overdone at worst. But that's not the point of this post, the point of this post is to show you a long dead version of myself, but a version who most inspired who and what I am today, and the person who I am closer to now than any of my other iterations.
It must have been the summer between 5th grade and middle school. It was a great summer indeed as I recall. There was the community pool in the day time, the BMX track, and the empty campus of the university that we ruled over for 3 months a year. Then, at night, there were the sleepovers. This is when the majority of the dorkery went on. We would play videogames into the early hours of the morning. "Magic: The Gathering" was slowly becoming the next D&D of my generation and we were on top of that as well, and of course there was the Sci-fi channel, which would show anime movies late at night. Casshan was just one amongst many.
This is still one of the happiest times of my life, and I look back on it fondly because of how innocent and foolish I was. "Cool" was just a word that you used to describe things that had meaning to you. However, when the summer ended and 6th grade began, "cool" took on a whole different meaning. Cool became something to be sought after, and being into videogames and other dork stuff, was so "un-cool" that you were made to be an outcast if you liked those things. Those things being anything that the cool kids didn't like. So, being the desperate loser that I was, I abandoned the things I truly loved, and started liking the things that everyone who was cool liked. This meant ridding myself of all the friends that were into the same shit as I was in to, something I regret everyday. In other words, I sold out. I still secretly loved all that geeky stuff but for years, I never admitted it openly to anyone, which tore me apart. Until we got the internet, and I found a lot of people just like myself, while playing text based games, but that is for another time.
Years later I would be vindicated. Somehow, during my time in high school, it became cool to be into video games, and this became a common bond amongst many people within my clique. Not only within my clique but also all over the U.S. It seemed as though almost overnight that people decided that it was OK to be into dorky stuff. The shitty thing is that I spent almost 5 years hiding my true self from people/friends who accept me now for what I am: An introverted, ego maniacal, dork face, who talks to the internet.
I miss how happy I was then, but at the same time, if I hadn't been put through the social ringer that I was put through, I probably wouldn't have grown in to the person I am now. Would I do it all over again, armed with the 25 years of knowledge I have now? Absolutely, but would it really make a difference? My 12 year old self and my 25 year old self are exactly the same. We are both comfortable with who we are and we aren't going to hold shit back. Though if I could give some advice to my 12 year old self now I would say:
"Listen here bro, you are going to be harrier than anything you can even imagine. Dad? That dude doesn't have shit on you, talk to Mom today, I'm sure there are some treatments ready for kids your age."
Holy shit.
5 minutes into it I realized what had drawn me to this movie. It was a live action re-make of an Anime OVA that I haven't seen in close to 15 years. Suddenly, I was that pimply face tween dork all over again, transported back to one of the most strange times in my life. A time between my oblivious carefree childhood, my adolescence and drawn out puberty. It was a time where I wanted to continue to be a boy, but forces beyond my control were driving me to become the man-boy I am today. I'd like to ask you to jump into my little time machine internet, as I whisk you away to the age of my own tragic innocence.
Imagine a boy, five feet tall (maybe), and 80 lbs soaking wet (definitely). He is probably the goofiest bipedal thing you can think of. Wildly curly hair, and eyebrows to big for his face. His teeth are crooked, and they will eventually take 3 years to correct. Clothing is not much of concern to him because he probably wears the same pair of jeans and the same shirt everyday, until his mother tears it from his body, and he must figure something else out. His chief concerns at the moment are cartoons, comics, video games, and Marvel cards. School, music, women, he cares for these not. He has a large group of friends but only a few of them share his true interests. This boy is me, age 12.
Like I said; Cashhern is actually a remake of an anime movie known here in the west as Casshan: Robot Hunter, and when I was 12 this was one of the first memorable experiences I had with anime. It's cannon is so ingrained in my memory that I still quote it from time to time. Cashhern was middling at best, and painfully overdone at worst. But that's not the point of this post, the point of this post is to show you a long dead version of myself, but a version who most inspired who and what I am today, and the person who I am closer to now than any of my other iterations.
It must have been the summer between 5th grade and middle school. It was a great summer indeed as I recall. There was the community pool in the day time, the BMX track, and the empty campus of the university that we ruled over for 3 months a year. Then, at night, there were the sleepovers. This is when the majority of the dorkery went on. We would play videogames into the early hours of the morning. "Magic: The Gathering" was slowly becoming the next D&D of my generation and we were on top of that as well, and of course there was the Sci-fi channel, which would show anime movies late at night. Casshan was just one amongst many.
This is still one of the happiest times of my life, and I look back on it fondly because of how innocent and foolish I was. "Cool" was just a word that you used to describe things that had meaning to you. However, when the summer ended and 6th grade began, "cool" took on a whole different meaning. Cool became something to be sought after, and being into videogames and other dork stuff, was so "un-cool" that you were made to be an outcast if you liked those things. Those things being anything that the cool kids didn't like. So, being the desperate loser that I was, I abandoned the things I truly loved, and started liking the things that everyone who was cool liked. This meant ridding myself of all the friends that were into the same shit as I was in to, something I regret everyday. In other words, I sold out. I still secretly loved all that geeky stuff but for years, I never admitted it openly to anyone, which tore me apart. Until we got the internet, and I found a lot of people just like myself, while playing text based games, but that is for another time.
Years later I would be vindicated. Somehow, during my time in high school, it became cool to be into video games, and this became a common bond amongst many people within my clique. Not only within my clique but also all over the U.S. It seemed as though almost overnight that people decided that it was OK to be into dorky stuff. The shitty thing is that I spent almost 5 years hiding my true self from people/friends who accept me now for what I am: An introverted, ego maniacal, dork face, who talks to the internet.
I miss how happy I was then, but at the same time, if I hadn't been put through the social ringer that I was put through, I probably wouldn't have grown in to the person I am now. Would I do it all over again, armed with the 25 years of knowledge I have now? Absolutely, but would it really make a difference? My 12 year old self and my 25 year old self are exactly the same. We are both comfortable with who we are and we aren't going to hold shit back. Though if I could give some advice to my 12 year old self now I would say:
"Listen here bro, you are going to be harrier than anything you can even imagine. Dad? That dude doesn't have shit on you, talk to Mom today, I'm sure there are some treatments ready for kids your age."
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